Thus Spake Zetterberg (12/9/2007)

Hi All -

"Steve Yzerman begat me. I claim to be his heir, and he sent me to Detroit with strict instructions; to be always among the bravest, and to bring glory to your forebears, who indeed were very great ... This is my ancestry; this is the blood I am proud to inherit."
- Henrik Zetterberg, in the Hockey Iliad.

I don't write travelogues about the U.S. Inevitably, I have to hang each on a quasi-weird or quirky angle, and the media age has left few surprises in this country ("they call soda 'pop!'", "they call Dad 'Pop!'") for me to poke fun at. So, travelogue be damned; this is a hockeylog.

Irving Friar went to Miami and found God; Paul rode to Damascus and "found" Jesus; I went to Detroit and found hockey. Not that I should be surprised -- the city has copyrighted its "Hockeytown" moniker; it lives, breathes, and (occasionally) dies for a sport that most " U.S. Americans" couldn't care less about. Yes, Detroit is an aching ville whose boomtown days expired with globalization, and where Michael Moore's voice whispers in your ear as you drive though. But as a hockey lifer having lost faith in the NHL years ago, I fled to Detroit to find it again; and on cue, a tilt in Hockeytown restored it. It's not the old Garden, but close enough -- and I bring home with me the knowledge that a 10-hour drive away, I have kindred spirits who long for the days of the Original Six and for free-flow skating on Olympic-sized ice. Anaheim, Raleigh, Tampa, take your Stanley Cups. Stockholm can have its gold medals. Quebec and Winnipeg can have ... well, memories. Take what you want, but Detroit is Hockeytown. To wit:

- Detroit adores hockey to the extent that -- right next to $730 million in taxpayer-funded football and baseball stadiums -- the two major bars are Cheli's (owned by 45-year-old defenseman Chris Chelios) and, you guessed it, Hockeytown. Bars and restaurants offer free shuttles that take patrons all of 10 blocks to and from games. Do the Pistons, who play in a suburb, get the same love? Ha!

- The best thing about Joe Louis Arena (the Joe) is that you go there to watch ... hockey. The old-schoolness is tangible: no light shows, few gimmicks, and the crowd is full-blown red and on top of every call. Both Red Wings goalies wear the old-school Cooper helmets with eagle-eye cages; no neo-masks painted with brick walls, NASCAR girls, or Indiana Jones. Furthermore, an added benefit is that the Wings (and, for one day this month, R. Kelly) are the Joe's only tenant -- thus, all the banners and ads are for one team. Plus, the shots on goal board still reads "Detroit" and "Guest." Can you get more sparklingly retro?

- The concourse at the Joe is basically a shrine to Red Wingsdom, one with uncaptioned advertisements featuring Steve Yzerman (since everyone can recognize Steve Yzerman), a statue of Gordie Howe mid-slapshot, and mini-replicas of each Stanley Cup. Is there a logic? No. But that's the fun.

- If the NHL actually had "viewers" and "a TV contract," I would be the first to market the skills of one Henrik Zetterberg. The Wings' left wing can tease goalies like a foul temptress from some Faustian fantasy. In putting up a hat trick on Friday, he zinged one off a delayed penalty, the second short-handed, and the third less than a minute into a period. On the first goal, he got the puck next to the cage, waited for the goalie to get in position, THEN beat him. Vanity of vanities, how I love thee.

- On the vanity note, I think there is something in the DNA of Red Wings fans. The gorgeous quotient is higher at the Joe than any other pro sporting venue (and bear in mind, I've been to about 30). Do reciting Steve Yzerman's rookie stats or regaling how Sergei Fedorov fled the Soviet Union work as pickup lines?

(Actually, I think they might.)

- The game's most entertaining moment came with about three minutes left, when Dominik Hasek, in order to preserve his shutout, became the first NHL goalie to flip someone on a breakaway: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5u0khFnHUg

- Tell me, though -- what's more amusing in that clip: the hit, the announcers' justifications, or the background music?

- Speaking of music, the house DJ blasts classic during each TV timeout -- the lack of local flair is the one place I'll dock the Detroit hockey experience. After all, it's not like any music has ever been produced in Motown, right?

- Seriously, though, picture Fenway's "Sweet Caroline" (oh oh oh) during each TV timeout. Making it more amusing is that each song has to stop once the puck drops. The fans, raucously singing along, stop on a dime as well. Picture 15,000 drunk people belting out:

"DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'
HOLD ON TO THE FEELIN'
STREETLIGHTS, PEOPLE...
DON'T STOP ---"